Why "Fierce Love?"
I knew I would get to this post eventually because I think it's important for folks to understand why my blog is called Fierce Love and what it stands for.
In meditation several months back, the words "Love Fiercely" appeared behind my eyes. As I sat with that some things came up. I am a lover. I see the highest good in people and want to see them lift themselves from the suffering of the beliefs and patterns that are their cage. To love fiercely reminds me of a passage from my personal Bible (one of them), The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, his section "On Love:"
When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
In other words, love is not the fairytale we pursue, a fantasy that helps us escape the suffering of our minds, baggage, hearts and struggles. Love is here to break us. To change us. And it's through surrendering to that act of conscious suffering that we do the work we came here to do, on a soul level.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Without the pain, the processes of growth, the risk and demonstrations of faith necessary, Love cannot do it's work on us. Time and again, as I love deeply and as a result feel deep pain and suffering, I ask why I would have ever elected myself for this. But really, the why doesn't matter. It is what it is and it's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. And so I open my heart, time and again and I've made the decision that a huge part of my purpose here on this Earth plane, is to learn through the courage of loving fiercely, to allow love to run its course and to teach me best what I came here to learn.
It is much harder said than done, loving fiercely, but one thing I do observe in my own journey is that in order to let my walls down, to let people in, to be the best at my work, to reach the destination my soul and my creator have agreed to, I must first learn to love myself fiercely, with dedication and through insuring my actions are in alignment with the guidance and advice I give others daily.
Two years ago, I practiced this to the best of my understanding and ability with a man who turned out not to be who he said he was. My choice to love this man fiercely before myself, before my kids, before my family, before my support system and the destruction that followed was the biggest wake up call of my life. I'm now working the 12 steps in AA and Al-Anon. Dedicating myself to retraining my brain and weeding out the conditioning that has made me fear being seen. One must be seen to love and be loved fiercely, yet it is easily the hardest thing I've ever done.
Opening my heart to love again, both romantic love in partnership, love in relationships with my children, my siblings, my friends, the fellowship of the program, has been the most terrifying and painful thing I've ever done. It's required me to look at ME. To look in the mirror and own the pain that my actions and choices have caused. To feel the pain I've caused them, and I mean FEEL it. The way an empath feels it, right alongside the painful regret that is the awakening of the conscious. This is the journey of Fierce Love. It is harrowing and terribly rewarding and right now, right now it's important that I find sustainability in my new disciplines and practices.
I've not known a life of stability and groundedness and it will take effort to get my mind and heart to accept the change in and around me. At this time, it's like I'm submerged in water and someone has kicked up the sand and clouded it up. I cannot see beyond my toes.
I've spent a lot of time since that previous relationship playing small, not believing in my worth and value, and owning people's emotions, traumas and life challenges as my own. This pattern is not helping me, and certainly not helping others either. I'm leveling up. This is my second awakening. I must go where God takes me, despite my fear and that means I need to trust the winds of change.
It is time for me to take a break from healing and channeling work while I prioritize embodying the woman I want to be. It's time to focus on my children, nest eggs, this amazing family business I'm being invited into and most of all, to focus on my recovery, the foundation of my future life.
For this reason I will be temporarily stepping back from Guided Life Coaching and working to maintain and sustain the healthy patterns I'm initiating into my life at this time. I know in my heart and soul, this break will allow me to once again rise from the ashes and step out as a next level healer, embracing her next level purpose and I trust God's plan working in my life! I also have many creative ideas that I have no time, as things are, to explore. Making this change will allow me to flourish and blossom into a higher version of self I've been longing for.
Fierce Love is an experiment of epic proportions. Here I will document my journey towards recovery from the disease of alcoholism, codependency and body shaming/self worth stigmas. My journey is guided by my creator and as I forge this new path through the karma and patterns/curses of my bloodline, I will have made a roadmap that I hope to share, as I always have, with many others.
I am so grateful for the Fierce Love and support I have obtained always from my client base. So many of you have become friends to me. You've let me into your fear, your joy, the deepest and most tender parts of your life. For your trust, your confidence, your support, I am eternally grateful! You have given me more gifts of the heart than I can count, and it's my hope that I will still be able to offer other, interesting opportunities in the future!