Not Everyday is a Good Day
I must say, this week has - for lack of better words - sucked. Ups and downs and overwhelming emotions...If you're trying to find me, I'm the one in the deep end, arms flailing to no avail. I'm finding that whether I drink or not, I'm still an addict with addict-like thoughts and behaviours of self medicating and splitting and projecting and on and on and on. I've not been diagnosed and don't want to be that person, but I just picked up a book on emotional trauma called Emotional Sobriety by Tian Dayton and it doesn't take long to determine that I have many, if not all, symptoms of PTSD and high levels of emotional relationship trauma.
I made the comment the other day that I can know something logically, like seeing a harmful pattern and the need to change it, yet it feels like I'm stuck in an emotional (and physical) loop or cycle that feels so viscerally potent and real and impossible to escape. It's almost maddening that simply acknowledging these things on a mental level isn't enough. Education and knowledge only takes me so far and I must now find a way to feel my way through this fucking hurricane.
In her book, Dayton talks about the Limbic System and the intricate details of how our unresolved emotions can actually sit stuck in areas of our bodies. Our emotions also "speak" through nerve systems in the body, like our stomach as an example. She says that talk therapy can sometimes not be enough and talks of using psychodrama to act things out with the body. This has been easier to move the emotions out and find healing. Really, to rewire the brain I suppose.
I found this interesting, as I struggled all week with horrible thoughts, anxieties and emotions I kept seeing and feeling how badly I need to punch a punching bag or something. The image and feeling popped up many times this week. I have done nothing about it, but feel my intelligent guidance system is telling me to take back my power and maybe do some kickboxing or find some outlet similar. Okay, I haven't done nothing either, I've gone on a few intense and steep incline hikes this week, went on a run and attended yoga last week. I walk whenever I can and I also have been drawing for stress release.
It can feel so discouraging to start a book like Emotional Sobriety and see yourself in every word, every page and have to acknowledge your shortcomings without beating yourself to shit. All I can do is relate to everything and then also hate myself for continuing the pattern unconsciously with my children. My mind is sick y'all and I go to some dark places inside that make me hate myself more.
I am going to dare and be vulnerable and share what I struggle with most:
- suicidal musings
-thoughts of self harm
-wanting to fall off the deep end and overdo it in unhealthy ways like overeat as example
-depriving myself of everything as a sort of "penitence"
-for the first time I felt like I wanted to make myself throw up when drowning in the deep end
-severely negative internal self talk that I now see my younger two picking up. This makes me feel like a piece of shit and also out of control because my worst fear is that my kids go through what I have gone through in my life (examples of my internal self talk: "What is wrong with me? Why the fuck am I so stupid?! I'm a piece of shit, I fucking hate myself. It's only a matter of time before they see how worthless I am and they give up on me. He should just find someone else, I'm holding him down. ***compares myself to another woman every two seconds and beats myself to shit for not being skinnier, more put together, more beautiful, and on and on and on.)
But, as discouraging as it feels sometimes, I have to remember that this book is in my life to support me with tools to overcome self limiting patterns. I must remember my higher power brought this book to me, brought the programs of AA and Al-Anon into my life. I remind myself that the friends and mentors that grace my path support me and hold space for me with deep compassion.
I pray everyday, literally multiple times, for God to help me. I pray for relief from these painful patterns and the diseases of depression, anxiety and alcoholism. I pray for the alcoholic who suffers worse than I and I pray for humility and most of all grace on this healing journey.
Not everyday is a good day, but it's a day that I'm grateful to be breathing.
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage, to change the things I can,
and Wisdom, to know the difference. <3